Postpartum Resentment Towards Your Partner: Understanding and Addressing It
Becoming a parent is one of the most profound experiences of life, but it also comes with immense challenges. After childbirth, many new parents experience a range of emotional and physical struggles, including postpartum depression, anxiety, mom-rage (although a terrible patriarchal term is very relatable!). However, one often overlooked aspect of the postpartum period is postpartum resentment—particularly resentment towards your partner. These feelings can be difficult to navigate, but with the right support and strategies, they can be addressed and alleviated.
What Is Postpartum Resentment?
Postpartum resentment occurs when a new mother or father feels bitterness or anger towards their partner during the early stages of parenthood. These emotions are often fueled by the overwhelming demands of caring for a newborn while dealing with the physical and emotional aftermath of childbirth. Mom resentment is more common, especially when the responsibilities of parenting feel disproportionate, leaving the mother exhausted and isolated.
The resentment can be directed at your co-parent for various reasons. Some common triggers include:
Unequal division of responsibilities: The parent may feel that their partner is not contributing enough to childcare or household chores, leading to frustration. This includes the mental load. Who is in charge of finding childcare that works for the family? Who stays home when your child is sick? Who communicates with your pediatrician in between well-visits? Who makes sure your child has size-appropriate clothing for the current season and that the old clothes are put away? Etc!
Lack of emotional support: A parent might feel that their partner doesn't fully understand the emotional, psychological and physical toll of pregnancy, birth and parenting, leading to feelings of loneliness and resentment. This can also be exacerbated by societal expectations for each parent and how we respond to them within our relationships.
Increased expectations and pressure: One parent may unintentionally place expectations on the other parent, such as being the primary caregiver or maintaining their pre-baby identity, which can exacerbate stress. Sometimes mothers in particular feel the pressure to be the “perfect mom”, an unrealistic standard that doesn’t affect fathers in the same way. These different experiences of becoming a parent inform how we see each other’s experiences and how we respond to them. Just because one parent isn’t feeling overwhelmed in their new role, doesn’t mean the other one isn’t and may actually need a different kind of support.
It's important to acknowledge that resentment towards your child's father or mother does not mean a lack of love or desire to be in a partnership. Rather, it reflects a complex emotional response to the overwhelming demands of new parenthood.
Why Does Postpartum Resentment Happen?
Postpartum resentment is a multifaceted issue. Biological, psychological, and social factors can all contribute to the development of resentment towards a partner during the postpartum period.
Hormonal changes: After childbirth, a woman's hormone levels fluctuate dramatically. These shifts can impact mood and emotional well-being, which may contribute to feelings of frustration or resentment (Miller et al., 2020).
Sleep deprivation: New mothers often experience significant sleep deprivation, which can lead to irritability and difficulty managing emotions (Hirschfeld & Shultz, 2021). When combined with the responsibilities of newborn care, this can fuel resentment towards a partner who may be able to sleep more easily or who isn’t expected to handle night wakings.
Identity shifts: Parenthood brings with it a complete transformation of identity, and many women struggle with finding balance between their roles as a mother/father, partner, and individual. If a parent feels that their partner is not acknowledging these changes or not being supportive enough, resentment can develop (Brockington, 2022).
Unmet expectations: Expectations about parenthood may not match reality. When mothers/fathers feel unsupported or overwhelmed, they may begin to harbor resentment towards their partners who are not meeting the expectations they had prior to becoming parents. These expectations are also harder to meet when you don’t have family who live close by to support you.
How to Address Postpartum Resentment
If you find yourself experiencing resentment towards your partner, it's crucial to take steps to address these feelings. Ignoring them may result in long-term emotional strain or even relationship breakdowns. Below are practical strategies to help you manage and address postpartum resentment:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step is to recognize and validate your emotions. Postpartum resentment is a natural response to the stresses of new parenthood, and it’s okay to feel angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Acknowledging these feelings without judgment can create a space for healing.
2. Open Communication
Clear and honest communication is key to resolving resentment. Talk openly with your partner about how you feel, making sure to express your needs and expectations. For example, share how you’re feeling about the division of labor at home and in childcare. A productive conversation can help both partners understand each other’s perspectives and work towards practical solutions (Kaneshiro & Weiss, 2019).
3. Create a Fair Division of Labor
One common source of resentment towards your child's father is an unequal division of responsibilities. Discuss and create a more balanced approach to chores, childcare, the mental load, and emotional support. It may be helpful to set specific tasks for both partners to ensure that no one person feels overwhelmed. A fair division of labor can relieve feelings of burnout and frustration (Brockington, 2022).
4. Prioritize Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is vital to your emotional well-being. If you're feeling drained or overwhelmed, it’s important to prioritize self-care, whether that means getting some rest, seeking professional help, or taking a break (even intentional micro-breaks can be helpful!). Self-care will help you feel more equipped to handle the emotional challenges of parenthood and reduce feelings of resentment.
5. Seek Support
Consider seeking professional help, whether through therapy or a support group. Therapy can help you explore the underlying causes of your postpartum resentment and develop healthy coping strategies. Couples therapy can be especially helpful in addressing communication issues and improving the partnership.
Conclusion
Postpartum resentment is a normal, albeit challenging, emotional experience for many new mothers and fathers. It often stems from the overwhelming demands of parenthood, hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, and unmet expectations. Understanding the root causes of postpartum resentment and taking proactive steps to communicate, share responsibilities, and seek support can help alleviate these negative emotions.
If you're struggling with resentment towards your child's mother/father, remember that you're not alone. With the right strategies and support, you can navigate this phase of life and emerge with a stronger, more supportive relationship with both your partner and yourself.
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References
Brockington, I. (2022). Postpartum depression and the psychological adjustment of the new mother. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 45(1), 107-121. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psc.2021.11.007
Hirschfeld, M. L., & Shultz, M. E. (2021). Sleep deprivation and postpartum depression. Journal of Women's Health, 30(9), 1354-1361. https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2021.8273
Kaneshiro, B., & Weiss, L. C. (2019). Coping with postpartum challenges: Relationship issues, family planning, and birth spacing. The Journal of Family Psychology, 33(6), 659-666. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000618
Miller, L. J., Allen, R. L., & West, E. D. (2020). The role of hormonal fluctuations in postpartum emotions and depression. Journal of Clinical Psychology in Medical Settings, 27(4), 489-499. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10880-020-09763-3