How Your Parent Brain Can Get Stuck in Newborn Survival Mode

As a parent, you may feel that the intense sense of urgency, alertness, and anxiety you felt when your child was a newborn is long behind you. However, for many parents, this "survival mode" mindset can persist long after the baby years have passed, affecting emotional well-being, relationships, and the ability to fully enjoy life. This phenomenon can be traced to the way our brain responds to stress, especially in the early stages of parenthood, and how it can become "stuck" in survival mode even as circumstances change.

Understanding Survival Mode

When we talk about "survival mode," we are referring to a state of heightened alertness, where our brain perceives threats and danger at every turn. This instinctive response is rooted in the fight-or-flight system, which activates when we are under stress, whether physical, emotional, or psychological. As a parent of a newborn, this survival mode can be triggered by the constant needs of the baby—feeding, crying, and sleepless nights. While this stress is often short-lived, for some parents, it becomes chronic, affecting their health long after the baby is no longer a newborn.

The Brain’s Stress Response: A Legacy of Early Parenting

Our brains are wired to respond to stress, particularly in the early stages of parenting, with an instinctual drive to protect our vulnerable offspring. For parents of newborns, the brain can become hyper-vigilant to any potential threat, whether it be a baby's cry, a health concern, or simply the exhaustion that comes with sleepless nights. This state of heightened alertness is essential for survival during the early days of caregiving, but it can be taxing and overwhelming, often leaving parents feeling exhausted and anxious.

Research shows that the brain's response to stress is primarily regulated by the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. During times of stress, the body produces cortisol, a hormone that helps the body respond to threats (McEwen, 2007). However, chronic stress—like that experienced by parents of newborns—can lead to prolonged cortisol production, which can impact both physical and emotional health (Seng, Low, Sperlich, & Ronis, 2011). If the brain remains in this heightened state of stress after the baby’s early years, it can lead to adverse outcomes for your physical and mental health.

Why Does Your Brain Get Stuck in Survival Mode?

When stress becomes chronic, the brain's ability to regulate itself can become impaired. This is particularly true for parents who may not have the time or resources to process their stress fully. Over time, the brain may start to perceive normal challenges—such as the demands of parenting older children or managing a busy life—as threats. This can lead to a cascade of emotional responses that are more aligned with the survival mode of a newborn's early days.

Furthermore, if a parent experiences high levels of stress or trauma during pregnancy or early infancy, the brain may form pathways that are especially sensitive to stress. Parents may find themselves feeling hyper-alert, anxious, and overwhelmed even as their children grow older, even though the external environment may no longer be as immediately threatening.

How to Break Free from Survival Mode

The good news is that with the right support and strategies, parents can begin to recalibrate their brains and move out of survival mode. Here are some effective ways to help break the cycle of chronic stress:

  1. Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices help train the brain to stay present, reducing the tendency to become hyper-alert to perceived threats. Research has shown that mindfulness can lower cortisol levels and improve emotional regulation (Zeidan, Johnson, Diamond, David, & David, 2010).

  2. Therapy: Psychotherapy can help parents reframe negative thought patterns and reduce anxiety. Therapy provides a safe space to process past trauma and stress, allowing parents to gain perspective and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

  3. Self-care: Before you dive into this one, know that self-care is an overused phrase that can have a wide range of possibilties. Prioritizing self-care is crucial for any parent, which is a cruel irony considering how little time you have for yourself with young children. However, remember that taking care of your body can help regulate the body’s stress response. Finding time to relax and recharge, even for short periods, can help shift the brain from survival mode into a more balanced state. As a parent of small children, some of these things can seem unobtainable. However, even small opportunities like a two-minute meditation in the car before picking up your kids from daycare, or doing lunges around the jungle gym at the playground can be beneficial. Don’t aim for 45 minutes of cardio a day if that isn’t feasible for you. Find what IS possible and be intentional with that time. While it will feel like extra effort initially, remind yourself that it’s an investment in your physical and mental wellbeing.

  4. Social Support: Surrounding yourself with a supportive community, whether it’s friends, family, or a parent support group, can provide emotional relief and reduce feelings of isolation. Even a text chain with some other moms in your network, or one offered by your birth center or other birthing consortium, can be a helpful place to go with questions and concerns. Knowing that others understand your struggles can offer reassurance and reduce the chronic stress response.

  5. Recognizing Triggers: It is important to identify the specific triggers that keep you stuck in survival mode. Whether it’s certain situations like low breastmilk/formula intake for the day, thoughts like my baby will never sleep, or pervasive feelings about these things, identifying and addressing these triggers can allow you to respond more calmly and with greater emotional resilience.

Conclusion

Being a parent is one of the most challenging roles anyone can undertake. While necessary at the beginning, it can be harmful when your brain gets stuck in survival mode. It can feel as though you are constantly in "fight or flight" mode, even as your child grows older. However, with the right support, strategies, and self-awareness, it is possible to break free from this heightened state of stress and return to a place of balance and emotional well-being. If you find yourself struggling to adjust, it might be helpful to seek professional support to guide you through the process of recalibrating your brain’s response to stress.

By understanding how our brains respond to early parenting stress and taking proactive steps to address it, we can foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships with our children and ourselves.

References

McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904. https://doi.org/10.1152/physrev.00041.2006

Seng, J. S., Low, L. K., Sperlich, M., & Ronis, D. L. (2011). Posttraumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety in pregnancy: Effects on maternal-fetal attachment and implications for intervention. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 32(3), 219-228. https://doi.org/10.3109/0167482X.2011.603012

Zeidan, F., Johnson, S. K., Diamond, B. J., David, Z., & David, J. M. (2010). Mindfulness meditation improves cognition: Evidence of brief mental training. Consciousness and cognition, 19(2), 597-605. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.concog.2010.03.014

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