What to Do When One Partner Hasn’t Adjusted to Becoming a Parent

When your partner hasn’t adjusted their lifestyle to accommodate the responsibilities of becoming a parent, it can feel frustrating, isolating, and even overwhelming. When parenting isn’t a shared responsibility, it can place undue stress on one partner and the couple’s relationship. However, different people adjust to parenthood in their own way, and it can sometimes take longer for one partner to adapt. And, different arrangements work for different families. If your current arrangement isn’t working for your family, below are some steps you can take to address the situation. But first let’s understand why some partners find it harder to adjust than others.

Why Some Partners Find It Harder to Adjust Than Others

Adjusting to parenthood is a deeply personal experience, and some partners may find the transition harder than others for a variety of reasons. Understanding these factors can help explain why one parent may be struggling more than the other and can guide you toward effective solutions.

1. Gender Norms and Societal Expectations

In many cultures, mothers are expected to take on the bulk of caregiving responsibilities, which can lead to the assumption that mothers should “naturally” adjust more quickly to their role. On the other hand, fathers (or non-birthing co-parents) may feel societal pressure to maintain their traditional roles as providers, leaving little room for them to fully engage in caregiving tasks (Lamb, 2010). This can lead to an unequal distribution of responsibilities and a slower transition into shared parenting.

2. Mental Health and Stress

The transition to parenthood can be emotionally and physically taxing for both parents. However, some individuals may be more vulnerable to mental health challenges, such as postpartum depression or anxiety, which can hinder their ability to adjust (Stewart et al., 2003). Fathers, too, can experience stress and these same mental health challenges that may not always be recognized, which can affect their engagement and ability to share responsibilities (Cabrera et al., 2000).

3. Previous Parenting Experience

Previous experience with children may also influence how quickly someone adjusts to parenthood. A parent who has cared for children before, perhaps even as a babysitter or caregiver for friends and family, may feel more confident and prepared for the role, while someone with less experience may need more time to adjust (Pleck, 2012). Previous experience can also inform how reasonable our expectations are, or are not. This is especially true for first-time parents who may be overwhelmed by the many new tasks and responsibilities.

4. Work and External Pressures

The demands of work, finances, and external pressures can also affect how parents adjust to their new roles. A partner who is juggling work demands or other external stressors may struggle to find the time or mental energy to engage fully in parenting responsibilities (Palkovitz, 2002). This can create a sense of imbalance, where one parent feels overwhelmed while the other is less involved.

Understanding that these factors exist can help you approach your co-parent with more empathy and patience, and it can also help you identify areas where support or additional resources may be needed.

Steps You Can Take to Address the Situation

1. Have an Honest and Open Conversation

It's important to approach the situation with empathy, honesty, and clarity. Try to have a calm and non-confrontational conversation with your co-parent about how you're feeling and what changes you need. Express your thoughts in a way that focuses on your feelings and the child’s needs rather than blaming or criticizing. You might say something like:

• “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of parenting responsibilities I’m handling on my own, and I’d really appreciate your help in figuring out what changes we can make to make things more balanced for both of us.”

Having this conversation in a calm, open manner is key, as it will allow you to discuss the issue without causing defensiveness.

2. Set Clear Expectations and Responsibilities

Sometimes, one partner may not fully realize the extent of their responsibilities. It’s helpful to set clear expectations about the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, such as who is in charge of feeding, bath time, bedtime, chores, or running errands. Be specific about how much time or effort you need from your co-parent, and try to create a practical plan for how you can share tasks equally.

3. Acknowledge the Adjustment Process

Adjusting to parenthood is a huge life change, and it’s important to recognize that it may take some time for your co-parent to embrace the responsibilities that come with it. Ask your co-parent if there are any challenges or barriers that are preventing them from fully engaging in parenting tasks. Sometimes, external factors such as work stress, mental health struggles, or personal difficulties may be affecting their ability to adjust.

Having empathy and offering support can create a space where your co-parent feels more comfortable discussing what they’re going through and why they might not be fully adjusting.

4. Encourage Active Involvement

Rather than waiting for your co-parent to "snap" into their new role, encourage them to be actively involved. This can mean inviting them to participate in activities like feeding, playing, and bedtime routines, or even taking the lead on certain tasks. Sometimes, the most effective way to encourage involvement is by directly asking for it. Instead of waiting for them to adjust on their own, try actively involving them in the day-to-day tasks that are needed. This can help establish habits of involvement that might not be occurring naturally.

5. Share Your Needs and Stress Level

If you feel overburdened by parenting responsibilities, it’s essential to communicate your stress level and needs. Let your co-parent know how their lack of adjustment is impacting your well-being, and how this could lead to burnout if the situation doesn’t change. Explain how important it is for both parents to adjust to the new reality of parenthood for the health of both of you and your child. You might say:

• “I’m feeling really drained, and it’s becoming difficult to keep up with everything. I need us both to share the responsibilities more equally so we can both thrive as parents.”

This can prompt your co-parent to take a step back and reevaluate how they’re handling their role.

6. Seek Professional Support (Couples Counseling)

If your conversations don’t lead to meaningful changes or your co-parent is resistant to adjusting, it may be helpful to seek couples therapy or family counseling. A therapist can help mediate the conversation, identify underlying issues, and help you both develop strategies to work through these challenges together. Therapy can be especially useful if there are deeper relationship dynamics at play, such as unmet expectations, lack of communication, or unbalanced emotional or practical support.

A counselor can help you both explore how to divide parenting responsibilities and strengthen your co-parenting partnership for the benefit of your child.

7. Practice Self-Care and Set Boundaries

In cases where your co-parent isn’t fully stepping up, it’s essential to prioritize your own mental and physical well-being. Parenting can be overwhelming, and if your co-parent is not adjusting as quickly as you'd like, you might have to rely more on your own resources in the short term. Taking time for yourself, whether it's for rest, self-care, or engaging in activities you enjoy, will help you cope better and prevent burnout.

Additionally, it’s important to set boundaries around the amount of work you're willing to take on. If your co-parent isn’t pulling their weight, it’s essential to communicate how this affects your well-being and the overall dynamic of the family.

8. Give It Time and Be Patient (If Possible)

In some cases, change doesn’t happen overnight. If your co-parent is trying but simply not fully there yet, it’s important to give them time to adjust. Sometimes, co-parents may need additional time to fully step into their role, especially if they haven’t had as much previous experience with caregiving or have a different idea of what their role as a parent should look like. However, while it’s important to be patient, it’s equally important to maintain open communication about how the lack of support is affecting you.

Conclusion

It can be difficult when your co-parent hasn't adjusted their lifestyle to being a parent, but communication, empathy, and teamwork are crucial for navigating these challenges. Start by addressing the issue directly and setting clear expectations for shared responsibilities. Be patient and offer support while also expressing your own needs and well-being. If needed, seek professional help to improve communication and balance in your relationship. The more you work together, the more likely both of you will feel empowered in your new roles as parents.

Book a complimentary consultation now.

—

References

Cabrera, N. J., Shannon, J. D., & La Taillade, J. L. (2000). The influence of father involvement on children’s development. Child Development, 71(1), 115-132. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8624.00125

Lamb, M. E. (2010). The role of the father in child development (5th ed.). John Wiley & Sons.

Palkovitz, R. (2002). Involved fathering and child development: Advancing our understanding of good fathering. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Pleck, J. H. (2012). Fatherhood and masculinities. Handbook of the Sociology of Gender, 345-366.

Stewart, R. C., & Field, L. J. (2003). Postpartum depression: A review. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 64(11), 1334-1341. https://doi.org/10.4088/JCP.v64n1103