Harmful Marriage Myths: Outdated Advice and Ideas That Are Hurting Your Relationship
Marriage is often portrayed as a fairy tale, with promises of eternal love and happiness. While healthy marriages can bring joy, fulfillment, and emotional support, the reality of maintaining a strong relationship can be far more complex. Unfortunately, many couples are influenced by harmful marriage myths and outdated marriage advice that can actually hurt their relationship in the long run. In this blog, we’ll explore some common marriage myths, how they can undermine your connection with your partner, and how psychotherapy can help you overcome these damaging beliefs.
Common Marriage Myths and Their Impact
1. “Marriage Should Always Be Easy and Effortless”
One of the most pervasive marriage myths is the idea that a healthy relationship should come naturally and require little effort. This myth often leads couples to believe that if they encounter challenges or conflicts, their marriage is doomed. The reality is that all relationships require work, communication, and compromise. According to research, couples who actively work on maintaining emotional intimacy, conflict resolution skills, and shared goals tend to experience greater satisfaction in their marriages (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
The idea that marriage should be easy can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when challenges, and especially disagreements arise. Over time, this can result in frustration, resentment, and a sense of disconnection from one’s partner. Disagreements are a normal and healthy part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise.
2. “You Should Never Go to Bed Angry”
While it’s often good advice to repair your relationship after conflicts, the notion that couples should never go to bed angry can be harmful. This outdated marriage advice places undue pressure on couples to resolve every issue immediately, even when emotions are high. Sometimes, taking time apart to cool down and reflect can lead to better communication and a more productive conversation (Snyder et al., 2012). It can take lots of practice and therapy for some people to be able to go to bed angry without letting those feelings interrupt their ability to get restful sleep. It can be even harder to choose to process those feelings for more than a day afterward.
Esther Perel, renowned psychotherapist, has also discussed the importance of creating space in relationships. In The State of Affairs, she explains that sometimes emotional distance can help both partners gain clarity and avoid saying things they might later regret. Rushing to fix everything may create superficial resolutions, leaving the deeper issues unresolved.
When couples feel they must always resolve conflicts before sleeping, they may rush through difficult conversations or avoid discussing sensitive topics altogether. This can cause misunderstandings and unresolved tension to fester over time, leading to long-term relationship issues.
3. “You and Your Partner Should Be Exactly Alike”
Another myth that can hurt a marriage is the idea that spouses should be completely aligned in every aspect of their lives, from interests to opinions and values. While shared values are important in a relationship, differences between partners are natural and can even strengthen a marriage. The best relationships embrace these differences and create room for individuality (Parker et al., 2020).
Trying to mold your partner into someone who shares every interest or perspective can lead to feelings of resentment and a lack of personal fulfillment. Healthy marriages allow both partners to grow individually while supporting each other’s goals and desires.
4. “Love Will Conquer All”
The idea that love alone can sustain a marriage is a romantic notion, but it doesn’t reflect the reality of long-term relationships. While love is undeniably important, it’s not enough to navigate the complexities of life together. Strong marriages require effective communication, mutual respect, trust, and compromise (Markman et al., 2010).
Overemphasizing love as the solution to all relationship challenges can lead to couples avoiding necessary conversations or failing to address underlying issues. Love may serve as the foundation, but the ongoing effort to nurture a relationship is what keeps it strong.
5. “Your Partner Should Be Your Only Source of Happiness”
Another myth that can harm a marriage is the belief that your spouse should be your primary, or even your sole, source of happiness. While it’s normal to seek certain emotional fulfillment from your partner, expecting them to meet all your needs can place an unfair burden on them. This can lead to disappointment and resentment when your partner inevitably falls short in some areas.
Research suggests that individuals who maintain strong social connections outside their marriage—such as with friends, family, or hobbies—experience greater well-being and satisfaction in their relationships (Parker et al., 2020). It’s important for both partners to cultivate their own sources of happiness while continuing to support each other emotionally.
Emotional dependency on one partner can stifle desire and connection in long-term relationships. It can be helpful to maintain separate lives and interests outside of the marriage, encouraging a dynamic of interdependence rather than dependence (Perel, 2006).
6. “Marriage Is 50/50”
The idea that marriage is always a 50/50 partnership is appealing, but it doesn’t always align with the realities of relationships. In a healthy marriage, both partners give and take, but the balance may shift at different times. One partner may contribute more in one area, while the other contributes in a different way, depending on individual circumstances and expectations (Gottman & Silver, 2015). For instance, when one partner is ill or working late every night to hit an important deadline, sometimes that balance shifts to 90/10.
Rigidly expecting everything to be split evenly can lead to frustration and feelings of inequity. A healthy marriage is about flexibility, support, and understanding that sometimes one partner may need to take on more responsibility while the other focuses on different priorities.
7. “Happy Wife, Happy Life”
This popular saying suggests that if a husband keeps his wife happy, everything else in the marriage will fall into place. While it’s important for both partners to feel valued and supported, this phrase places an unfair burden on one partner (usually the husband) to maintain the happiness of the other, often at the expense of their own needs.
Esther Perel’s work underscores that relationships should be rooted in mutual respect, reciprocity, and shared responsibility. When one partner’s happiness becomes the sole focus, it can lead to imbalance and resentment. Both partners should be actively involved in nurturing the relationship, ensuring that both their emotional needs are met. Healthy marriages are not about one person keeping the other happy but about both individuals creating a fulfilling partnership together (Perel, 2006, 2017).
The Harmful Effects of Marriage Myths
Believing in these outdated marriage myths can lead to a host of negative consequences, including:
Increased conflict: Unrealistic expectations can cause frustration and dissatisfaction when couples encounter inevitable disagreements.
Emotional distance: Myths about the need for perfection and constant happiness can lead partners to feel disconnected from one another.
Stagnation: The myth that everything should always be easy or perfect can discourage couples from seeking growth or working through problems.
Resentment: Unrealistic beliefs about what a partner should provide can create unrealistic demands, leading to resentment and disappointment.
Overcoming Harmful Marriage Myths
Overcoming marriage myths requires both partners to develop a deeper understanding of what healthy relationships entail. Here are some tips for challenging these outdated ideas:
Communicate openly and honestly: Discuss your expectations and beliefs about marriage with your partner. Understanding each other’s views can help avoid misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations.
Embrace imperfection: Recognize that conflicts and challenges are a natural part of any relationship. Work together to find solutions rather than expecting perfection.
Invest in your individual happiness: Pursue your own interests and support your partner in doing the same. A balanced relationship allows both partners to flourish independently while still nurturing their connection.
Seek professional support: If outdated marriage advice is causing tension in your relationship, consider seeking couples therapy. A licensed therapist can help you identify harmful beliefs and guide you in developing healthier patterns of communication and connection.
Conclusion
Outdated marriage advice and marriage myths can cause real harm to relationships, leading to frustration, emotional distance, and dissatisfaction. By challenging these misconceptions and embracing the reality that healthy marriages require effort, communication, and compromise, couples can foster deeper, more fulfilling relationships. If you’re struggling with these issues, therapy can provide the guidance and support you need to build a stronger, more resilient marriage.
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References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A proven program for couples. Jossey-Bass.
Parker, M. A., Thompson, J. D., & Williams, C. R. (2020). The impact of social connections and individual happiness on marital satisfaction. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(3), 718-734.
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. HarperCollins.
Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. HarperCollins.
Snyder, D. K., Castellani, A. M., & Whisman, M. A. (2012). Treating difficult couples: Helping clients with co-existing mental and relationship disorders. The Guilford Press.